This past week I turned over a new page in my life. I turned sixty years old. I am the age where I thought my mother was ancient when she turned this age. The fuller arms, the softer belly, and undergoing an assortment of aches and pains never experienced before.
It wasn't a happy occasion for me. It seemed like going into a tunnel and knowing that the other end was soon to come. The days of being very old. Soon, my husband won't be able to do simple home repairs. Who will die first? The old days of raising children and trying to get higher on the pay scale are gone. We are both retired due to physical disability. We are slow as it is. I no longer drive and my husband's back is such that he only putters for a short while and needs to sit.
My seizure meds make me very tired. Neither one of us likes to go out in the evening. I have a tendency to fall due to poor depth perception. He can't see well on the roads. (though he hates to admit it).
All I could think of were negative things. A depression settled over me that I couldn't shake by myself. My elbows ache, the legs ache from arthritis. Even my feet have problems. I am not normally a depressed person. In fact, I am usually joyful. God has blessed me in thousands of ways. Yet this was a mountain that I needed to call on Him for help to climb.
I looked up several passages on 'old age'. I was surprised that the word of God speaks about it a lot. I guess I am not the first one to get old. I was horrified as I reread about Sarah having a son in her old age. "I don't want that" I told the Lord.
Psalm 92:14 was better. 'They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green...'
Isaiah 46:4 'Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you...' Well, I now have some gray hairs and that was a good verse. He will sustain me.
Proverbs 16:31 'Gray hair is a crown of splendor, it is attained in the way of righteousness.'
Well, my hair is certainly a crown of something. I prefer to think of it as splendor. Yet, as I sat there looking over scripture I realized that the root of my problem was not really getting older. It was fear of what's to come.
Fear is not from God. The opposite of fear is faith. Do I have faith to carry me through to the end of my days? When my children do not follow God, when my finances are in ruin, when my body no longer does what the brain wants it to...will I have faith?
It seems my faith was on the line here. I could wallow in self pity which is a waste of time as the clock ticks by while I am depressed about growing old. Or...I could cling to the one who created me in the first place. My father knows the hairs on my head, and the color. (Just joking there, as I don't mind gray hair at all).
I still am not happy about getting older. But, to deny my Lord my faith in Him is out of the question. I will try to remember that the root of my problem is fear and not growing old. Fear takes away the joy of tomorrow. Faith simply enjoys each moment. I prefer faith. I am not saying I will not waver, but I know the Lord will be there to put me back on track.
I've begun riding my bike in the cool of the sunny mornings. Breathing in the fresh air is wonderful. I continue to have quiet time with the Lord. I read my bible and have a little devotional I read each day. It's a good day.